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La
Voce
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Encinitas, California U.S.A
Here is a collection of Jokes, mostly lame, but hopefully able to brighten your day. if you have a favorite joke that you would like to share, please e-mail it to webmaster@osia2424.org. Please remember, this is a PG rated site!
Openers
Some Thoughts
PUNS
Submitted by Member Ben Fastiggi
For those who truly enjoy the English language, here are some treats:
-Those who jump
off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully
recovered.
-You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
-Every calendar's days are numbered.
-A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint
mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is
a small medium at large.
-Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
-Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know
basis.
-Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The men strike back!!!
We always
hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK, we now hear the guys' side - These
are "OUR" rules!
Please note. . . these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn
to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl - If it's up,
put it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with
it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as trucks, deer hunting strategy, or the best fishing knot.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely ANYTHING
you wear is fine. Really!
1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work.
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates… Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair out of thirty would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil, please!
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
soap opera guys, or those fairy men in your sex novels.
1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not
both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve
is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability
is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong, and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it's really not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape - ROUND is a shape.
Vacations
Billy Bob
and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant
again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
THIS IS LONG, BUT FUNNY...
An ambitious stockbroker finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware-how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing... ...
He replied, "You mean I can check my e-mail from here?"...
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." --Steven Wright.
5 out of every 4 Americans have trouble with fractions...
I doubt therefore I might be...
Needing someone is like needing a parachute... ... If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. ...
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
I
went to a strip mall the other day.
Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody
else had on clothes.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
A guy walks into a bar just before closing with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't you go starting anything."
What a Place to Work!!!
Can you imagine working
at the following company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following
statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
* 3 have been arrested for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
* In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
CLICK
HERE or
...scroll down to find out the identity of this organization...
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...
Double Jeapardy
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway,
sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news,
so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought
he'd jump again!'
Practice Makes Perfect
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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In
case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods
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| On
a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) |
On
a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.) |
| On a
bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?) |
On some
Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion.) |
| On Tesco's
Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(OOPS ---- Too Late!) |
On
Marks & Spencer
Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...) |
| On packaging
for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?) |
On Boot's
Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) |
| On Nytol
Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) |
On most brands
of Christmas lights: |
| On a
Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious - what other use???.) |
On Sainsbury's
peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.) |
| On a
child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) |
On a
Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere???) |
Some More to Think About...
Too Hot for Clothes
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," his wife replied.
Wrong way!!
A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just ONE car," said Herman,
"It's hundreds of them!"
The single guy
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a single bottle of Pepsi, a single serving bag of tortilla chips and a single serving frozen pizza.
When he goes to the checkout line, the cute girl at the register looks at him and asks, "Single, huh?" The guy smiles and says, "Yeah. How'd you guess?"
"Because you're so ugly!"
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45.
He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've
been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," Joe replied,
"I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only
45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but
by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients,
and you have to be 82..."
Memory
class
There was this
old couple who was having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for
a memory course. The course was wonderful. They went home and told all of
their relatives, friends and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approached the old man as he tended the garden.
"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you
liked so much?" the neighbor asked.
"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute," Ed pondered. "What's
the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns
on the stems?"
"You mean a rose?" the neighbor said.
"Yeah, that's it!" Ed said. Then shouting toward the house he yelled,
"Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's
name?"
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything upon which to jot it down?
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
CATS
Kittens
A three-year-old
boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
When he returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two
boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
think it's printed on the bottom"
"Any change is resisted because bureaucrats have a vested interest in the chaos in which they exist." - Richard Nixon
"Money often costs too much."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
A door to door salesman
knocks on a suburban door and it is opened by a 9 year old boy, puffing on a
long black cigar.
Salesman: "Is your mother home?"
Boy: (After taking a leisurely puff and flicking the ashes on the floor) "What
do you think?"
"Any man who is under 30,
and is not a liberal, has not heart;
and any man who is over 30,
and is not a conservative, has no brains. "
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
WORST JOKES OF THE WEEK
Q: One
ship full of red paint collided with another ship full of purple paint.
At last word the crews where thought to be......
A: Marooned!!!
Q: What does Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Abe Lincoln all have in common?
A: They were all born on holidays!!!
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka!!!.
Q: Who was Tonto looking for in the bank?
A: The Loan Arranger!!!
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.
Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?
A: It megahertz.
"Take my advice, I don't use it anyway."
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open.
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song."
--Louis Armstrong.
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A Termite walks into the bar and says. "excuse me, is the bar tender here?" points to ponder..... What happened to the first 6 "ups"? |
Baby food A three-year-old
walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors
office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so
big? |
| Q: What do you call a
Midget Phychic who just commited a crime? A: A small medium at large. |
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| A
woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed
grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "Is it really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" |
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $49 today. If you bought $1000 worth of Miller (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79 today. ... My advice to you is to start drinking heavily... |
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Driving problems
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It's started A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch
in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before
it starts!" |
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The Rich Just Get Richer Before going to
Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York
City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. |
UGLY BABY A woman got on
a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." |
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A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" |
POLITICS: In California, Gov. Gray Davis has retained two political fireballs in an effort to attack President Bush's energy plan. The two consultants, Mark Fabiani and Chris Lehane, will be paid by taxpayers at a combined rate of $30,000 per month... ... The lights are off and no one's home... Fabiani worked as a Whitehouse defender throughout the turmoil of the Clinton administration, while Lehane was the Gore Campaign's main spokesperson. The nickname of their consulting firm is "Masters of Disaster"... ... Perfect campaign slogan next time Davis runs... Since they are working for the state as consultants, they are not required to file conflict of interest statements, which are necessary for all government officials. However, they insist that they have no conflicts, despite both having also worked as consultants for two months for Southern California Edison... ... One thing is for sure: We're in the dark about what's REALLY going on... |
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Q. What is a fish with out an eye look like? A. Fsh |
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."" -- Steven Wright |
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IT'S WEIRD! A hybrid virus has been created by using a unique combination of both the polio virus, and the virus for the common cold. According to researchers, this new hybrid could eliminate the most common kind of brain cancer... ... "The good news: We cured your brain cancer. The bad news: You now have polio..." |
A Zen master once said to me "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't!!! |
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Bumper Sticker of the Day: "Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes." |
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BRIDES WEAR WHITE Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" |
The barber shop A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." Later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." |
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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad." |
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Statistical
Rectilinear Regression Analysis
(The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.) Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed some light:
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up. The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency. In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read, "Leave Me Alone." You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. Ladies are welcome players. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood. And finally: Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy. Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Now you know. |
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Excerpts from Real Science Papers
Written by Kids
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1. One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. 2. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. 3.Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime. 4. Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil. |
5.Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there. 6. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. 7. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. 8. It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places. |
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Last October while in Philadelphia on a business trip, I took one afternoon off to see the Liberty Bell and other historic sites downtown. Two young families were also in line to the see the sites and I overheard an interesting conversation between two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school: "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy. |
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees St. Peter and asks if this is it. St. Peterlooks in his book then says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. Walking out of the hospital after the last operation she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of St. Peter and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?". St. Peter replies, "I didn't recognize you." |
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Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made
an airplane.
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I
think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do you
actually spill Scotch on the carpet?
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DO RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson. DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer... RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, FAR..... the distance to my beer... SO...... I think I'll have a beer... LA...... La la la la la la beer... TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) D'OH! for more Go to: http://www.comedyontap.com/daily/index.html |
In 1911, actress Maureen O'Sullivan was born. She played Jane in the Tarzan movies and was Mia Farrow's mother. She died in1998… … How would you like to be Woody Allen's mother-in-law AND grandmother-in-law…? |
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For years one gift I could count on when my kids were young was a bottle or two of "English Leather" after-shave lotion. I thought for a while they liked the smell. Then it dawned on me... the stuff had an aroma just like my wallet |
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"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for." - James H. Boren |
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The Grocery Store
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no."
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the pair again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
As coincidence would have it, he happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "Oh you don't understand, my little girl's name is Tammy...I'm Ellen!"
The Wonders of Modern Technology
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country
were at a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (i.e. elevator doors)
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an elderly old lady shuffled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady stepped
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls
opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out...
... The father turned to his son and said, "Son, run, run, go get your mother"!
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
COME BACK OFTEN
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